Dear Pamela,
A few years ago a friend of mine committed suicide with a gun he had borrowed from me.
It was around Christmas. I thought I had gotten over it, but this year it's really hitting me hard.
How long does it take to get over something like this?
Bluesie

Dear Bluesie,

I'm sorry you lost your friend. When someone we really care about dies, we never get over it completely. Some years we won't hurt at all, but other years it smacks us between the eyes. In a way that's a good thing, because it says that we love them.

After all, if we didn't love someone, we wouldn't hurt when they are gone. Several years ago I worked at a crisis line. The majority of the suicide calls for the year came between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Besides suicides, I've noticed that there are a lot of older people who decide it's time to go before Christmas. A friend of mine volunteers at a hospice center, and two people she was seeing died this past week. My boyfriend's grandfather died a week ago. It just seems that people who are ready to leave their bodies, do so at this time of year, and for those of us still living, it adds loneliness around the holidays.

I once had someone die who meant a lot to me, and my sister gave me a way to not feel helpless about what to do with the pain. She taught me about a ritual that I can do to honor the one I lost, to keep their spirit alive and remembered. I made up business cards that said "A random act of kindness has been performed in remembrance of _______." When I am having a hard time with the pain of missing that person, I go out and do something unexpectedly nice for a stranger and then give them one of the cards. It might be giving twenty dollars to a homeless person and then I give them a card. I don't know if this is something that would work for you, but it is one way to continue the meaning of someone's life.

I hope you know deep down that you are not at all responsible for your friends suicide. A part of us always wants to feel guilty about the actions of others, but bottom line is he did what he did because of who he was and how he felt about life. If he hadn't had your gun, he would have found another way.

It's important for you to remember your friend in ways that help you to grow and don't bring you down. Sometimes when I'm alone I even talk out loud to people that have died in my life. They are still inside my heart and always will be. The other day, my great neice said "I have a smile in my heart." She's only three years old, but I thought "What a wonderful way to start a day!" It doesn't mean that I think you should push the pain away and act as if nothing hurts, but I'm saying be sure that you also recognize the part of you that has pleasant memories of your friend.

Doing a daily ritual while you are feeling lonely for your friend might help. For example, light a candle at dusk, or watch the sun go down, or listen to a song that was a favorite of his. And while you do whatever ritual you chose to do, think of the reasons you loved him and let yourself miss him. Hopefully, this will eventually transform the pain into a sweet memory of someone who was once beside you.

Take care,
Pamela

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Dear Pamela,
When will I die?
--Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
You won't. In 1982, three names were picked at random to be excluded from the condition of death. You were one of those chosen.
Sincerely,
Pamela