Dear Pamela,
It may be I have a skewed opinion, but it seems to me that generally men are
more interested in touching in the anal region than women. I'm not talking about
penetration, but just having the anus area touched and stroked. Can you explain
why this would be?
Thanks,
Curious
Dear Curious,
You know, I do have some thoughts about the issue you brought up, though I must note that my thinking isn't supported by any kind of research or qualitative analysis. Sometimes I just enjoy coming up with theories and this is one of those times.
Many of our enjoyable physical sensations come from pleasant associative memories during childhood. When a baby messes his or her pants, someone usually careully cleans them up. I think of a laughing baby held up by the ankles while mother (holding her breath) gently swabs at a behind with her nose wrinkled. This could easily be one of those pleasant soma (body) experiences from childhood for boys, but less so for girls. The reason I say that is because the anatomy of a girl can make this more of an anxiety-producing and cautious experience -- we know that feces entering other nearby orifices can cause infections. With boys there is not the same need for over-concern. Girl babies may even be cleaned to the point of it feeling sore and tender.
This paranoia (not unwarranted) could be picked up and carried on by the offspring as they age, making girls less likely to be comfortable with touching in the anal regions. In puberty or young adulthood, women may have the embarrassing situation of getting an infection and having the medical personnel say that it was likely caused by some feces that got in the vagina. This can make the young woman feel unclean and she may become somewhat phobic about anal cleanliness.
Basically, I'm saying that men generally can be more relaxed than women regarding the anal area. It's only a theory, but I think it warrants some consideration.
Theorizingly,
Pamela
Hi Pam,
I'm a 40tr. old male.
I use a wheelchair. That's not my problem. I cant have an orgasm with a woman.
I just keep going and going. I saw a doctor and he said I checked-out OK. How
do I get a sex surrogate to help me with this problem?
Signed "exhausted"
Dear exhausted,
Your question was about how to get
a sex surrogate, but first I'd like to address the matter you brought up. Your
situation is not unusual. Many men find it more difficult to have an orgasm
during intercourse than during masturbation. There can be many reasons for this,
but since I don't know the specifics of your situation, I'll address a few posibilities.
In some cases a man has spent many hours with Rosy and her four sisters (aka masturbating). A man who is comfortable masturbating knows exactly what pressure he likes where and for how long. It might be difficult to get that same pressure while inside a woman. If a man has mastubated lots, he may have become desensitized to other touch. One way to experiment with this is to avoid masturbating for awhile to see if it makes a difference.
A man might also find it difficult to orgasm if a woman's vagina opens wider than the girth of his penis, or if she gets really wet. If he can't get traction, he might not be able to get the stimulus he depends on for orgasm. One possibility here is to see if the woman can contract her vagina.
There is a lot of pressure put on a man to orgasm when having intercourse with a woman. Some relationships have broken up over this issue. The woman may get feelings of insecurity about it, thinking that she isn't desirable enough or he would orgasm. It's important to reassure her that she is sexy, but that you might not orgasm while inside her. I once had a lover who had retrograde orgasms (internal rather than external). It took me awhile of wrestling with my female ego about that, but eventually it was fine. First I had to realize that using an orgasm as a basis for proof that he was attractive to me was misguided.
In addition to not masturbating as frequently, some men have found that a lot of foreplay prior to insertion helps. Sharing fantasies while engaged in intercourse is another way to build the mood if the physical stimulus isn't quite doing the trick.
The most important thing is to be honest and open with your partners right from the time you first start talking about getting sexual. Is it so important to orgasm inside her? Is it possible to enjoy intercourse and then withdraw to masturbate or have her masturbate you? If you can talk freely with someone about these things, then it takes the pressure off the situation.
Regarding your question about a surrogate, your best bet is to contact the International Professional Surrogates' Association at http://www.surrogatepartners.org/. It is best to look for an IPSA-trained surrogate and they can do referrals directly.
Good luck!
Pamela
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Dear Pamela,
I'm looking for the right woman to give me an erotic education. Any suggestions?
--D
Dear D,
This might sound like a very strange suggestion, but I think a great way to
meet women is by taking Learning Annex courses. Not just any ones, but ones
that appeal to you. After all, you would be most connected to a woman who had
similar interests, right? And, some of the Learning Annex courses lend themselves
to erotic discussions and education. Check out their most recent catalogue before
you laugh at my suggestion. They have quite a variety for students of life.
Enjoy and good luck!
Pamela
P.S. I just picked up the most recent catalogue yesterday and there is a class called "Women Over 40 Stop Being Single." If I was a man looking for a woman, I think I'd register for that class immediately! I mean, a whole room full of women looking for men...can you say "opportunity"?!
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Dear Pamela,
What's your opinion of men driven by an unusually strong attraction to disabled
women?
-zow
Dear zow,
Ah, a challenging question! There
is actually a name for what you have described: Devotee. In fact, if you do
a Google search for Devotee+Disability, you will find almost 2000 webpages devoted
(pun intended) to the subject. I'll answer you from a personal opinion point
of view, as a woman with a disability who has met plenty of devotees in her
life time. When I sense that
I am being pursued by a devotee, I try to determine the source of his attraction.
I have found three common ones:
There is the devotee who had a mother or aunt or someone important in his life as he was growing up who was disabled. It is not uncommon for men to be attracted to women like their mothers, so this in itself does not bother me. However, if he has guilt feelings about how he treated his mother (like maybe he wouldn't bring friends to the house because he was embarassed), or if he has anger issues (because his mother's disability affected his life), then I get as far away from him as quickly as possible. I don't want to be the person he uses to work out his issues with.
Then there are the devotees who are attracted to disabled women because they like the idea of a "helpless" woman. This may be because they like being needed. Or, it could be because they like the fantasy of having a woman in bed who they could harm and she couldn't do anything to stop them. Ok, now we are getting into some difficult territory.
Regarding the first, there are many kinds of co-dependent relationships and they can be healthy or unhealthy, depending on the degree of communication and the reciprocation. If he wants to help her, then the relationship can only be healthy if there are ways that she is giving back, so that there is a balance. And, this has to be communicated. I once had a man who wanted to totally care for me to the point of paying for everything and coming home from his work (he owned his own company), cooking my dinner, bathing me, and doing everything for me. This was his fantasy, not mine. If I had been a different person, perhaps it would have worked, but that just ain't me. I might add that there are many non-disabled women in this type of situation who like that type of arrangement. Men who want to provide for a woman that way might migrate towards a woman with a disability because of the assumption that we need help. It's much easier to find us than it is to identify the average non-disabled woman who would like that type of lifestyle.
Now, regarding the second type of attraction due to the idea of a "helpless" woman. Oh, it just gets trickier and trickier. Peope do lots of different types of things in their sex play that only they have a right to judge. A woman should be extremely cautious about getting into a vulnerable position with a man who has fantasies of her being helpless in bed. HOWEVER, if they develop a relationship of trust over a period of a long time and they agree that they will play in that arena (i.e. bondage), assuming that she determines that he is trustworthy, it's up to her if she wants to play out that type of scenerio with him. I encourage women to use "safewords" and to know absolutely that the man will respect her need to stop what they are doing if she says the safeword. Women need to trust their gut when it comes to this type of devotee and decide if they want to explore this arena with them or get away from them fast. Most often I've found that something doesn't feel quite right with men with these types of fantasies if the fantasies are totallly based on my being disabled.
Okay, one more type of devotee that I'll mention, which is my favorite. This is the man who may or may not understand why he is attracted to women with disabilities, but he just is. One person I know had a babysitter who broke her leg when he was going into puberty, so he became fixated on women with casts or braces. I've known other men who say they prefer women with disabilities because they have found them to be experimental, versitile and good communicators. Disabled women have had to learn to find a positive self-image in a society that tells us we are abnormal. If we succeed in doing that, we exude self-confidence and strength. I'm not surprised at all that some men find that attractive.
In conclusion I'll say two things
to cover my ass a bit, cuz it's feeling awful exposed here:
(1) "Devotee" can also refer to people who want to be disabled.
(2) ALL the opinions expressed above are mine and I have a right to my own opinions;
if anyone has trouble with what I've said, make your own website and write your
opinions.
Take care and I hope this helps,
Pamela
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Dear Pamela,
I have just returned from a lengthy road trip, and I stopped at many a roadside
bathroom, as you might imagine. I noticed many condom machines in these bathrooms,
and they sold not only condoms themselves, but also creams/jellies to "enhance
sexual pleasure" and make both partners "last long into the night." My question
is a bit technical, but here it is: I contend that such sexual helpers are designed
to numb the penis somewhat to avoid early ejaculation. My friend, however, (who
is full of crap, and a big dyke anyway) contends that the penis must have enough
stimulation/blood flow to stay erect, and that these penis products help in
that way, in the same manner as tiger balm. Neither of us has the equipment
to experiment with, so we turn to you for assistance. What's in these products
anyway? And what do they do? AND do they work?
--Wishfully thinking in Berkeley
Dear Wishful,
The products you refer to often include a mild anesthetic to make one less sensitive.
Whether or not they "work" would be from ones point of reference. They CAN aid
in the delaying of ejaculation because the penis becomes less sensitive to physical
stimulus. I have friends who have reported that sometimes these products do
their job way too well, to the point of making it impossible for the male to
orgasm (or sometimes to even stay erect) because he can't feel anything. So,
it depends on what your goal is as to whether they "work" and whether both the
parties involved have the same goal. Now, regarding your friend, if she is truly
full of crap, I suggest a mild anal suppository.
Sincerely,
Pamela
P.S. Wait!--Did you say "tiger balm"? On the penis!? [Gasp!] I hope you mean the green kind, not the red kind, and even so...I can just see men all over the country grabbing their crotches as they read this and screaming..."No!!!!"
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Dear Pamela,
How many Barbies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
--Dirty Old Lady
Dear DOL,
First off, it would have to be an awfully big light bulb, say may 1000 watt.
If Barbie and Ken are both going to fit in there, it would have to be at least
that big. But, secondly, there is the problem that neither Barbie nor
Ken are anatomically correct. Therefore, it would be impossible for them
to screw in a light bulb, or in a car, or in a bed. Well, you get the
picture. So, the only possible answer, unless one physically alters their
Barbie, is ZERO.
From Pink to Kink,
Pamela